Of certainty and learning

Hello.

Recently, I have decided to quit using social media and started being mindful of what I'm doing. Starting a journey to self-discovery, in a way. I have uninstalled the apps on my phone, just to make sure I don't fall into that sign out-sign in again. I'm going to see things through. I would probably give a few weeks until I can figure out who I am and what I actually want out of my life.

One of my characteristics is that I will not choose or make a decision when I have doubts or unsure of something. This is evident when I'm trying to purchase something, even as mundane as a bath soap. Imagine how I'd be with making a life decision that can alter the course of my entire life journey. I'd imagine I would have agitation as an appetizer, nervous breakdown for the main course and mental exhaustion for dessert. A complete three course meal just for me. It's one of my downfall I wanted to improve on. So, in facing the dreadful question "Bila nak kahwin? (When will you be getting married?)", I would politely smile and say "InsyaAllah. Ada jodoh, nanti Danial jemput. (God's willing. I will invite you when the time comes)". At the back of mind, I know that now is not the time, or even in the near future, for that matter. My life is messed as it is. With another human life on board, I'd go crazy.

I need to learn to accept someone for who they are. The good, the bad, the ugly and the worst. The keyword here is learn because I have not learned to love something except for my family and friends. Friends who I've known for almost my entire life. Those are the ones I can confidently say the ones that I love. It takes so much time for me to accept flaws in anything because I'm a perfectionist kind of person. I would say it has it's pros and cons of being someone that is anal about every aspects or specifications when it comes to buying a product and planning something and I will make sure it will be implemented or completed. Because the only way I can feel accomplished is by seeing things through and that will give me self-satisfaction. But life never worked that way. When something unwanted happen, I would stop and sometimes get stuck dreading the problem, forgetting to overcome or resolve the issue. I paralysing myself in lament.

Again, I have a lot to improve about myself. I'm sharing this with you, so that I can make a commitment that I will, indeed, going to improve myself. This, I have holding off for quite some time. So, thank you for participating in this pact, unwillingly.

Cheers.

Yours truly,

Danial.

Dessein de vie

Hello.

One good thing about being depressed or when you are in the state of emotional pain is that you can write well. I don't mean to imply when you have a writer's block, set yourself on the verge of suicide or fall in love and break up for the purpose of it. Probably, when you are in despair, your mind has no where to turn to and it spew out words. Most writers know words are powerful. Heck. Words can change the world, if conveyed in the right way.

So, here I am. Back from the blog's underworld and rising in search of myself and the purpose of my life. I didn't use "purpose of life" because everyone has their own. It would be narcissistic of me to generalise everyone is the same as me. While most of the people in the world are still searching their purpose in life, others just won't and try to live in the present.

Here's my bold attempt in searching of Danial's purpose in life.

Cheers.

Yours truly,

Danial.

Camtono

Hello.

Three year had passed since my last post and I don't know where to begin.
I'm working as an IT guy. Yeah, like the drama series Chuck, in case you're wondering. Providing the staff IT support whenever they are in trouble, apparently even for the trivial ones. Come on, man. Please give something more challenging other than figuring out how to adjust alignments in Word or add an attachment to email.

The lacking of social interactions outside my workplace is pretty consistent throughout the years. Except recently I've made new friends, at my workplace and, somehow, halfway around the globe :P
My assumption of me actually a human repellent diminished. Well, a lil' bit. Who am I kidding? I'm a weirdo.

Anyway, I can't recall when was the last time I felt of sure certainty in my decision-making. It must have been a while ago. Right now, everything I do or think or speak are laced with too much doubt and uncertainty. It's like I'm stepping into an invisible border right after I've graduated. I guess that's when my big dilemma comes to light. *cue Trouble is a Friend - Lenka*

Alhamdulillah, I'm still well, most of the time. Personally, I think there's nothing more comforting than to know that you have someone like your friends or family to have a conversation with, or better yet someone who understands and experiencing the same situation as you do. The weight on your shoulder will become lighter when you share stories with people. Oh, I almost forgot another comforting thing, camtono!

Cheers.

Yours truly,

Danial.