Of certainty and learning

Hello.

Recently, I have decided to quit using social media and started being mindful of what I'm doing. Starting a journey to self-discovery, in a way. I have uninstalled the apps on my phone, just to make sure I don't fall into that sign out-sign in again. I'm going to see things through. I would probably give a few weeks until I can figure out who I am and what I actually want out of my life.

One of my characteristics is that I will not choose or make a decision when I have doubts or unsure of something. This is evident when I'm trying to purchase something, even as mundane as a bath soap. Imagine how I'd be with making a life decision that can alter the course of my entire life journey. I'd imagine I would have agitation as an appetizer, nervous breakdown for the main course and mental exhaustion for dessert. A complete three course meal just for me. It's one of my downfall I wanted to improve on. So, in facing the dreadful question "Bila nak kahwin? (When will you be getting married?)", I would politely smile and say "InsyaAllah. Ada jodoh, nanti Danial jemput. (God's willing. I will invite you when the time comes)". At the back of mind, I know that now is not the time, or even in the near future, for that matter. My life is messed as it is. With another human life on board, I'd go crazy.

I need to learn to accept someone for who they are. The good, the bad, the ugly and the worst. The keyword here is learn because I have not learned to love something except for my family and friends. Friends who I've known for almost my entire life. Those are the ones I can confidently say the ones that I love. It takes so much time for me to accept flaws in anything because I'm a perfectionist kind of person. I would say it has it's pros and cons of being someone that is anal about every aspects or specifications when it comes to buying a product and planning something and I will make sure it will be implemented or completed. Because the only way I can feel accomplished is by seeing things through and that will give me self-satisfaction. But life never worked that way. When something unwanted happen, I would stop and sometimes get stuck dreading the problem, forgetting to overcome or resolve the issue. I paralysing myself in lament.

Again, I have a lot to improve about myself. I'm sharing this with you, so that I can make a commitment that I will, indeed, going to improve myself. This, I have holding off for quite some time. So, thank you for participating in this pact, unwillingly.

Cheers.

Yours truly,

Danial.